“The rolling stone gathers no moss”.
We learn who we are and what is right for us by trying out new activities and reaching out to new people - a thought that I often share with people who feel stuck and indecisive about their next career move, or who are simply struggling to start something new due to the absence of a perfect plan.
Although sales experts tell us that the key to success is to know who your ideal client is and be 100% clear about what we are offering, which is undoubtedly right in theory, these things often EMERGE after we start ACTING.
We are much more likely to act our way into a new way of thinking than to think our way into a new way of acting.
Let’s remember that some of the greatest discoveries were made thanks to the absence of a perfect plan!
Famously Alexander Fleming, after years of diligent study, took advantage of a chance observation of the beneficial effects of a mould growing on an already discarded Petri dish in his ground breaking discovery of penicillin.
Jackson Pollock’ breakthrough came when absent-mindedly dribbled some paint over the floor. He glanced at the chaotic patterns and decided to experiment with the dribbling technique.
A random unthinking action opened up a whole new approach to painting!
Change is a process of continuous experimentation. T.S. Eliot once said that each of us has a “pattern in the carpet”. We do not necessarily need to envisage our “new carpet” or to have a clear plan about the “new pattern” that we are trying to create, in order to start experimenting. Dare. Open new doors!
“Search for ultimate meaning”
“You can do it! You are worth it! I know I am and I know that I can, but I’ve got this feeling that there is something more out there I could be doing”, - an elegant, successful banker in her mid 30s told me. Searching for a greater purpose in life seems to be an issue faced by many successful people at a certain point in their careers, particularly after experiencing emotional burn-out in their current work setting.
While there are many coaching techniques that can be used to explore the question of personal values and purpose -on the cognitive, visual and bodily levels - there are a couple of areas which I consider universally helpful:
“Change occurs when one becomes who he is, not when he tries to become what he is not”, - said Arnold Beisser.
Who are you? - is a difficult question to answer as Alice proved in her dialogue with the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland.
What charges you with energy? When do you feel at your best? What work would you choose to do if money was not a concern to you? - asking yourself these questions could be a helpful start.I notice that a lot of people are quite quick to conclude that they need to start their own business as a way to achieve fulfilment in life. While it might be a sensible strategy for some, it comes with a lot of potential risks.
How could I increase the meaning of what I am currently doing without having to quit my current job? - could be a helpful question to ask yourself.
Is there life after a big corporation?
I like working with the people who, having left large corporations, start looking at exploring new opportunities. From many at some point I hear: “I wish somebody told me whether I am moving in the right direction ...”
I remember my days with PwC when I and my colleagues in the Learning & Development department were desperately trying to convince people about the importance of feedback. I was armed with a deadly metaphor about a floatation tank filled with a warm dense liquid; after only a couple of hours in the tank people would begin to hallucinate, which I used to demonstrate the critical importance of feedback.
I remember well how I myself was constantly being given verbal feedback, not to mention the numerous feedback forms that we all had to complete on a regular basis.
And although I understand that in the corporate world it is difficult to maintain certain standards in other ways, listening to the stories of other people I am yet again reminded of the dependancy on feedback that you can develop in big corporations. When we depart, all of a sudden, in contrast to the usual “clear career path”, we find yourself alone with the sea of opportunities, where navigation has to be carried out almost alone.
We need to learn to trust our own inner voice and not just the voice of our inner critic!
Going back to normal?
As things seem to be gradually getting back to normal, albeit socially distanced, I am returning to my somewhat forgotten routine of regular trips to London and running face-to-face (2m apart) client meetings. While I am excited that we are re-gaining access to the much needed human connections and the healing power that they bring; I am aware that the last three months brought about an unprecedentented amount of judgement that we pass upon each other. We tend to judge others by our own context and values, and the pandemics highlighted how different those are for different people. One metaphor has been used to describe this phenomenon - “We are in the same storm, but not in the same boat”. So as I am about to go back to my normal work routine, I am reminded of the importance of meeting people where they are, not where we are, which can be achieved through listening and exploring how people are in their own unique context.
Quality of attention can do miracles
I would not be able to say it better than Nancy Klein:
Attention is an act of creation:
✨Attention from one person generates thinking in another person;
✨Listening to IGNITE is different from listening to REPLY.
Attention is also a paradox:
When you give Attention of this calibre:
✨You are so present you become invisible;
✨You matter profoundly because you do not matter at all;
✨You do not need to be needed but are needed entirely;
✨You are essential, and you are irrelevant.
If you knew that you would get all the attention that you need, how would it change your behaviour?
Getting back to the normal routine
Here are some strategies to kick-start the year that work for me:
🌱Act how you want to feel. If you want to feel energised, act energised!
🌱”80 percent of success is just showing up”. Just get on with it! Don’t aim for perfection.
🌱Focus on quick wins as an immediate confidence and energy boost.
And, if all else fails, good coffee, green tea, water and walking in the fresh air!
Dealing with parental guilt
“I feel guilty about investing more time into developing my business”. “I feel like I will be betraying my children if I run for that promotion and take on a more demanding job”. How many times have I heard these kind of statements from working mothers... How many times have I pondered over the same thoughts myself...Here is where I am on this subject today:
🌱Parental guilt is an existential condition of a responsible parent, and mother in particular. Whether we go to work or stay at home, parenting is such a complicated undertaking, full of competing emotions, worries and desires, which evolve as our children grow. Guilt is tiring, but yet is a natural condition associated with self-reflection and taking responsibility for our actions. Therefore, the first step is to accept that there is no need in trying to “resolve” guilt.
🌱Ask yourself a question “What kind of adult do I want my child to grow into?” Whatever the answer is, the key is to role model that behaviour as our children learn a lot more from what we do, rather than from what we tell them. And if you want them to strive for professional success when they grow up... that’s what needs to be role modelled.
🌱Vulnerability is the source of deepest human connection. The best conversations which I have had with my 17 years old son are the ones that we had when I goofed up in one way or another. We both learned a lot from those experiences. As proved by a famous study called “a good enough parent”, children benefit from their parents falling short in manageable ways as it is important for their development to learn how to tolerate a degree of disappointment and frustration - something they will inevitably have to face in life.
🌱Parenting is a field with an unprecedented amount of judgement, some of it openly volunteered and spoken, some of it silently withdrawn. We tend to be judgemental about the areas of life where we feel most vulnerable and insecure. When we feel judged about our parental, or in fact any other choices, it can be helpful and liberating to remind ourselves that judgment comes from a place of insecurity of the one judging.
Our brain loves consistency
Why do we easily soften to some ideas, but not to others? Why do we often find it difficult to listen to arguments that contradict our view of the world? Why do we often ignore evidence if it runs counter to our beliefs?
Some facts from neuroscience that might be particularly interesting to those of you who consider yourself opinionated.
“The same area of the brain that responds to a physical threat responds to an intellectual one. This area of the brain is known as the amygdala, and it’s the emotional core of your mind. Unfortunately, it makes us biologically wired to react to threatening information the same way we’d react to being physically attacked by a predator. From an evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense. If you were a caveman and another caveman threw a boulder at your head, you wouldn’t react by logically debating the pros and cons of getting brained.
Your brain loves consistency. It builds a worldview like we build a house. It has a foundation and a frame and windows and doors and it knows exactly how everything fits together. If new piece is introduced and it doesn’t fit, the whole house falls apart. Your brain protects you by rejecting that piece. It then builds a fence and a moat and refuses to let in any visitors. This is why we have the backfire effect. It’s a biological way of protecting a worldview.
Just remember that your worldview isn’t a perfect house that was built to last forever. It’s a cheap condo, and over time most of it will turn to shit”.
I love the way our brains protect us and I am intrigued by the challenge that this presents to our ability to tolerate views of the world that are different to ours.
Emotional addictions
Emotions are often heightened in December as we reflect on the passing year and start thinking about the year ahead. Our emotions are a sophisticated feedback mechanism via which our body signals to us whether we are steering in the right direction. The problem is that we may subconsciously become victims of our own emotional addictions, in which case our emotions may no longer serve as a reliable feedback mechanism.
The emotional states that we have experienced through our lives get imprinted in the body’s chemical profile, in the viscera, in the contraction of the muscles of our face, throat, trunk and limbs. As we become used to certain chemicals circulating in our bodies, changing our emotional states may become as painful as withdrawal from any other addiction. We enjoy the chemical high of our emotional addictions - be it anger, resentment, guilt, shame - and often find it hard to break the pattern.
Although the solution is far from simple as humans naturally resist change and favour the familiar, the one thing we can do to initiate the desired shift is to focus on the intended outcome by asking ourselves: How do I want to feel? What would it look like? What would I be doing, saying, thinking... as many details as possible...