The dark night of the soul or some thoughts about “toxic positivity”
I found last week difficult. Four weeks of lock-down with four children, no proper access to the kitchen, lack of mental or emotional space to respond to some work-related requests, IT issues with home schooling… worried elderly parents in a different country. The stress has been building up for weeks and finally the resistance threshold was exceeded. Most overwhelming of all, however, was a sense of guilt on every front - for loosing patience with my children more often, for not doing enough educational activities with them, for not cooking enough proper meals, for snapping at my husband (a lot!), for opting out of some conference calls, for not being able to provide emotional support to my parents to the extent that they need it at the moment.
But MOST of all - guilt for not being able to stay positive! ”You have a family. You are all safe and healthy. You have a garden. You have income. You should be grateful - shame on you”. A part of my internal dialogue, which might be familiar to some of you, that has been aggravating a sense of guilt on a daily basis. In essence I have become a victim of self-inflicted mantra of staying grateful and positive.
Recognising your own emotions, paying attention to your feelings, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, is one of the fundamental principles of dealing with negative experiences. That principle failed me last week… or rather I failed to adhere to it.
Living a congruent life
Authenticity which I see as the key for living a congruent life goes hand to hand with courage to show your own vulnerabilities.
Appearing happy and successful on social media seems to have become a norm. However, we all know that none of us is happy all the time. How appropriate is it to share one’s vulnerability in the public domain?
In the corporate environment we are encouraged to bring our head to work and leave our emotional self at home. However it is not uncommon for executives to report physical symptoms of anxiety - something they can be ashamed of and are often only able to share with an external coach.
I recently posted on Facebook my personal story, and practical take-aways, of overcoming panic attacks - something I unexpectedly experienced just over a year ago driving through quiet Oxfordshire, despite 20 years of driving without a qualm, often in chaotic Moscow traffic.
In response to this openness or revealed vulnerability, I received several private messages sharing similar experiences, but only a couple of people commented publicly.
While staying positive is undoubtedly important, I do believe that the most powerful and helpful way we can support each other through such issues is to hear someone publicly saying “I know the feeling. I’ve been there myself”.
“The body keeps the score”
I find myself recommending this book by Bessel Van Der Kolk to clients more and more often.
It is a heavy read, but a powerful reminder that it’s not only our brains that keep memories. The emotional states that we have experienced through our lives get imprinted in the body’s chemical profile, in the contraction of the muscles of our face, throat, trunk and limbs. It follows that if we want to change our ‘life script’ it’s not enough just to work on it on the cognitive level. New emotional scenarios need to be experienced on the visceral level and have an impact on the body’s chemical profile which becomes the foundation for living a new ‘life script’.
Although a lot of the contents of the book is focused around dealing with serious traumas, it gives food for thought regarding some common psychological issues. For example, why having finished one painful relationship some people start another relationship which has the same abusive pattern, what triggers panic attacks and how sleep reshapes our memories.
Although we cannot undo what happened to us in the past, we can create new emotional scenarios, which, if they are to ‘stick’, need to be experienced on the visceral level.
How much we feel in control of our lives is largely defined by our relationship with our bodies.
Stimulating the vagus nerve
There are several simple things that we can do to feel instantly more relaxed and less stressed:
🌱 Deep breathing (a so called “square breathing” works best for me)
🌱 Humming or singing
🌱 Smiling
🌱 Making eye contact
Simple things that instantly stimulate our vagus nerve, reduce the levels of stressed-related hormone cortisol, and regulate our blood sugar and blood pressure.