Engaging with others
I work with many impressive people; self-made, determined, hard working. Contrary to the assumption that coaching is a way of fixing people’s weaknesses, it is often people who already excel and have achieved a lot in life that are the ones who come to executive coaches. More great to exceptional, than good to great.
Interestingly the strengths that were instrumental in achieving success in life, when overplayed, can be perceived by others as lack of tolerance for other ways of working or sometimes even as arrogance. Successful individuals often get criticized for a lack of collaboration and empathy.
While exploring different ways of engaging with others, appreciating that everyone brings something to the table and putting things in perspective are helpful in developing a more collaborative leadership style, the challenge is not to withdraw or conclude that you need to become less ambitious. There is nothing wrong with having a strong desire to succeed and shine. “There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you”. Shine. Impress. Inspire. Bring the best in others.
Delightfully human
Working with clients of different backgrounds, it strikes me, time and time again, how many themes are shared among people and how at the same time they show up for each of us in our own particular way.
In the pursuit of a basic human emotional need to belong and be accepted, on the one hand, and desire to realise our ambitions, on the other, many of us experience the tension between seeking external approval and immunity against what others make of us.
Most of us have met people who are so uninterested in the impact they have on others, that they very rarely receive any feedback. While many of us probably wish that we had such a thick skin at times, I don’t think that arrogance gets people very far in life, be it personal or professional. Human beings are relational creatures and the quality of that relating is important!
Having said which, excessive approval seeking demonstrated by some people is also easily recognised and “played with” by fellow human beings. While some would have an empathetic response and volunteer encouragement, others would use it as an opportunity to criticise and compensate for their own insecurities, consciously or subconsciously.
I believe it is important to be open to feedback from others, however the true wisdom lies in how we work with the feedback that we receive ... There is a lot more to be said here - about vulnerability sharing, dealing with our inner critic, self-acceptance, authenticity and the desire to succeed...
The key is that nobody can make us feel bad about ourselves without our internal consent!
Status and power differentials
One of the habits that I find useful in preparing for important meetings is examining my assumptions about the status and power of my counterparts.
Status and power are subjective attributes. Someone with a high status in the eyes of a Western businessman might be perceived as commonplace by a Tibetan monk! We often tend to CONSTRUCT others who are older or who we perceive as more experienced, more connected or better educated (or even just because they are native speakers!) as having a higher status than us.
These constructions inhibit our confidence and spontaneity, often making us use scripted ‘set pieces’ in an effort to impress the other, rather than being fully present in a dialogue.
Here are some questions, which I find helpful:
- What assumptions am I making about my status differential with the person/ people I am about to meet?
- What evidence do I have to confirm those assumptions?
- What is the liberating alternative to my limiting assumptions?
Breaking a deadlock in the conversation
I have been recently asked by a client how to handle situations when they experience hostile or uncooperative behaviour from their client or business partner. I can think of several ways of breaking what might feel like a deadlock in the conversation or a rupture in the relationship.
🌱 Confronting and challenging the client with interest and acceptance. For example, “I’ve noticed that you criticised and turned down every suggestion that I have made so far. I am curious how you would like us to proceed?”
🌱 Providing feedback to the counterpart in the “here and now” about what you are observing. For example, “I notice that you have used the word “unacceptable” in this conversation repeatedly. I also notice that I struggle to finish expressing my arguments before you come up with reasons why it won’t work. How do you experience our conversation so far?”
🌱 Sharing your own feelings with the client and inviting them to reflect on possible links between your relationship and their feelings, and by doing so helping them to clarify their thinking and feelings. For example, “I feel like I have to defend myself in this conversation. The more I do so, the more I feel like I am in the naughty child’s corner. I wonder what is going on for you?”
Quality of human connections
I have always liked September, not least for the opportunity to meet and reconnect with friends and colleagues after the holiday season. Although I am also mindful about potential cash flow risk as I also tend to use a new season as an excuse to renew my wardrobe :-)
The landscape with stacks of hay reminds me that it’s time to take stock and as I am going through this mental process, the importance of human connections is at the forefront of my mind. Many conversations that I have had over the past months made me acutely aware how often we spend disproportional amount of time thinking about perfecting our skills, looks, plans etc. which often holds us back from experimenting with new things, being playful and creative.
But do we have to impress with our ‘excellence’ in order to engage people? For some of us it might be the engagement that is needed for winning new work, for some - getting a promotion, for some - getting vital support at times when we feel vulnerable.
I certainly don’t mean it as an encouragement to give up personal development, but rather shifting attention from your personal ‘stock’ to what’s needed for building the quality of human connections that you aspire.
“Treading on the same rake”
Do you ever find youself in situations where you catch yourself thinking “It’s happening to me again! This relationship is breaking down in exactly the same way it happened the last time!”
It is worth admitting that “treading on the same rake" is quite common in humans. After all, we all tend to re-use behavioural patterns that have formed over the years, which have become habitual to us, and we are not necessarily aware of how our behaviour is perceived by the people around us and.
Coaching is about helping you to become more self-aware of your relationship patterns. With that awareness comes power as we can only change something that we are aware of!